Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
