my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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