you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
