doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
