I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
