she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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