Don't make out with my wife yet
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
