Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My penis needs a shock collar
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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