david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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