So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
