it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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