Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
as a side note pls kill me
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