i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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