I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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