Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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