please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
