If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
