Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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