I met the friendliest cop last night
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
