Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
