I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
