Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
