In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
