So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
