Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
please come you make the beer taste better
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
