Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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