eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
