i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
