my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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