I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
