ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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