they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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