My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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