I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
