I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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