Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
and you fell through a lawn chair
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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