Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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