my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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