i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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