just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
