so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
