Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
