Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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