i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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