he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In other news, I just burned my penis
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
