This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
