If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize