Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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