thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
