Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
