I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
