I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
