My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
