i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
