I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I have vodka in my lungs
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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