I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
40s are totally the cure
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
